Tonight im without peace inside and on the verge of insanity. My life is a living hell. Daily i struggle with attacks by the devil and his demons. I have no one really to talk to anymore. Ive lost my faith in men except my wife who stays by my side even tho im bi polar and sometimes lose myself.
Shes always there to guide me back.
I take meds for this it helps some but by no means is a cure because there is no cure. I use to pray for God to deliver me from this disease but as He told Paul that His grace was good enough for me and i accept that. I also have diabetes and asthma and emphazima. congestive heart failure and a few other things wrong with me. I live over a thousand miles from my hometown and my only connections there really are my sister her daughter and my mom.
I dont really feel i can make friends due to many who took that joy from me. Hence my trust issues. Im really very sad at this time and i feel i dont belong anywhere in this life at all. Ive tried before to end my life on multiple occasions without success of course but not from a lack of trying. God seemed to want me for something else and thats what brought me here.
I thought my life was a living hell until i began doing what God wanted me to do. The more i learned from His Holy Word(Now get this i know The Bible backwards and forewords Ive read it over and over even when i was a devil worshiper.) But as He taught me this time it was Him who showed me the Truth, The real truth as it was to be taught. The Holy Spirit took me i have no control over what it wants to say.
But to shorten this every since i began this The devil works overtime to destroy me. Every time i post he attacks and no matter how many times i rebuke him he comes back. Its not from my lack of faith but God is allowing this. He test my strength to see if i will bend and as of yet Ive remained strong yet, He does give me His support but i must stand on my own 2 feet also. This is what Hes helping me with.
But there are things that he is not helping me with and why i do not know. He knows how much this means to me but He allows it to go on no matter how much i plea. I remember Paul also pleaded with God about his thorn but God allowed this.
So i have to believe God has a reason for what He is doing. Now pretty much Ive been abandoned by everyone but a few now No one wants to hear Gods word that i knew so they left me. I can accept that but believe me its not my desire to be alone. I have my wife tho and God and His Son. You would think it would be enough but God did create us with a need to socialize with each other but at the same time everyone wants you to do things as they wish or change who you are and i cant accept that, I am who i am.
I know the devil will never let me be now so i dont even bother to rebuke him anymore its useless he just comes right back so whatever let it go i say. He is quite intent on destroying me and i expected this when i left his side to join with Jesus and The Father.
So anyways Ive rambled enough tonight. Ive let you in on my world a little. I hope that God will send His Son soon to end this. As i heard quoted one time .
I knew the job was dangerous when i took it!!!
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